Tenchi Wars
by Ghaleon50
Summary: It's Tenchi Muyo meets Star Wars
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: This story is based upon characters and events form the Tenchi Universe and the Star Wars Universe.  
  
A long time ago in a Tenchi Universe far far away. . . . .  
  
Star Muyo!  
  
In the far reaches of space a battle was being fought. It was between the ship Tsunami and an Imperial ship. The ship Tsunami was caring a very important person. It was the young princess Sasami. Sasami was part of a rebellion against the evil empire and was trying her best to deliver a special package to a man named Ben who lived on the planet Tatooine.  
The princess's ship was taking heavy damage and she knew she wasn't going to make it. Soon she would be captured but there maybe hope. For this hope, she looked to her guardians Azaka and Kamidake.  
"I have a mission for you two to carry out," Sasami said. "I hope this works and you can deliver the message to old Ben."  
The princess injected a disk into Azaka and sent them off in an escape pod. They safely made it to the planet surface just as the princess's ship was captured. A door was blown off and the imperials entered the ship lead by the evil Darth Ayeka.  
"Well, well, well," Ayeka said. "We finally found the princess of the rebellion. This just proves how great I am and how stupid you people are."  
"You'll never win!" Sasami said. "You're going to die an old hag!"  
"What?!" Ayeka yelled. "Old hag! Oh I show you old hag!!"  
  
On the surface of the planet, the young boy named Tenchi was on his way home from repairing moisture vaporators. It was a hot desert planet and thus the people needed water. Tenchi lived with his aunt and uncle who were moisture farmers. Although Tenchi dreamed of much more but his Uncle Azusa and Aunt Funaho wished he would stop.  
  
As Tenchi was on his way home he noticed something crash land near by. He stopped his speeder and went out to look. It looked like an escape pod from a ship. He hoped whoever was in there was okay.  
"I wonder if I should go and help." Tenchi asked himself. "It is getting late and I don't want anyone to worry."  
It was at this point that the escape pod doors opened and the two guardians floated out. TheY headed towards Tenchi and the poor boy was frozen with fear. He had no idea what to make of any of this and hoped they weren't going to kill him or anything.  
"Are you the king of this planet?" Azaka asked.  
"King?!" Tenchi asked. "There's no king here."  
"Are you Ben then?" Kamidake asked.  
"No," Tenchi said. "My name's Tenchi."  
"Oh," Azaka said. "We're looking for someone named Ben. Our ship was under attack and our princess told us to look for a guy named Ben."  
"Well there's old Ben," Tenchi said. "He lives out by the Dune Sea but it's starting to get late and it's dangerous to go out at night but you're more then welcomed to come home with me. I'm sure my Aunt and Uncle wouldn't mind."  
"I guess we have no choice in the matter," Kamidake said. "Take us to you home."  
Tenchi, not realizing what was truly going on, hopped into his speeder and took the guardians back to his house where he was greeted by a very displeased uncle. They really didn't have the space for any more things.  
"You know better then to take in anything," Azusa said. "I want these logs gone!"  
"It's just for the night," Tenchi said. "Then they'll be gone. I swear."  
"Let Tenchi keep them," Funaho said. "Tenchi has so few friends and if Tenchi wants to befriend giant talking logs then why not?"  
"Fine, but only for the night!" Azusa said.  
  
Farther along in space there was a mighty space station. A space station that had great destructive power and a look that would confuse almost anyone. This was the Death Washu. Named after the great Empress herself and it even looked like her too!  
Inside we some imperial commanders having problems agreeing on certain things. These disagreements went from how to use the Battle Stations great power to what kind of food to stock in the officer's lounge.  
"I'm telling you that bean burritos are not a good idea!" One of them said. "They give a type of explosion that I can't live with. They are dangerous!"  
"Dangerous to your Starfleet not this Battle Station!" Commander Clay said. "If you don't like it then open a window. Trust me that'll solve you're problem in no time."  
Just then, Darth Ayeka entered the room followed by two Storm Babes. They had very big. . . .chest plates.  
"Soon this station will be operational and we can crush the rebellion!" Ayeka said. "I trust that's what you were talking about before I came in."  
"Uh. . .yeah . . .sure," Commander Clay said.  
Just then one of the officers, lets call him Bob, raised his hand. Ayeka called on him and he got up to address everyone.  
"Is it true that the rebels have gotten there hands on the plans for the Death Washu?!" Bob said. "What if they do have some? That means we'll be blow to bits! They'll be yelling, screaming, and blood. . .blood! AHHHHH!!!" Bob jumps out a window forgetting that they were space and dies almost instantly. A shield was put over the window.  
"Okay," Commander Clay said.  
"It matters not for the. . . do I have to say the name?" Ayeka asked. "Very well, the. . .(She hesitates and then says in disgust by the name) Death Washu's plans will soon be back for the power of the Jurai will help us."  
"Bah!" Commander Clay said. "The only good thing the Jurai power is good for is making shadow puppets and making some mysterious blade appear out of nowhere! Oh, look at me I'm a Jurian! Aren't my shadow puppets grand?!"  
Ayeka's face was starting to get very red. The Storm Babes called this the tomato look. Of course, not to her face but Ayeka does wonder why they laugh whenever she passes them by.  
Anyway, Ayeka got out of her seat and walked over to Commander Clay who was still making fun of her. All of a sudden, what looked like small wooden logs started to appear around her and electricity was starting to shoot out of them.  
"Aww crap," Commander Clay said.  
  
Early the next morning, Tenchi took the two guardians out to find the only Ben he knew. Of course, he didn't know this old man that well but his uncle told him that Ben was nothing more then an old cook who was missing a few screws.  
Tenchi looked all around the Dune Sea and soon a noise was heard. He stopped the speeder.  
"What is it?" Kamidake asked.  
"I don't know," Tenchi said.  
The young boy got out of the speeder and started to look around for the noise. It was then that the attack began. It was the dreaded Amazonian Raiders! They wore next to nothing and wanted no more then to use there beauty to strip men of there. . . .well lets just say there manhood.  
The striking beauty of these women caused Tenchi's nose to bleed and for his feet to not work. One of them took out there clippers and was ready to go in for the kill when a flash was seen from afar. What looked like an old man in robes started to come down a hill. He seemed to be holding a sword handle, which had a blue energy beam coming out of it. The women knew who this was and ran away.  
The old man wiped the blood from Tenchi's nose and sat the boy down on a rock. Soon he started to come out of the daze.  
"There boy, you seem to be okay," The old man said. "You're lucky to have survived that with you're manhood intact!"  
"What?" Tenchi said still not sure what was going on. He looked over to the old man and it started to come back to him. "Ben! Boy am I glad to see you. I have so much to tell you. . . .I think."  
  
To be continued. . . . . 


	2. Tenchi Wars prt 2

"What seems to be the problem young Tenchi?" Ben asked.  
Tenchi pointed towards the two floating logs. They looked familiar to Ben but he couldn't quite put his finger on where he had seen them before. Perhaps it was in another life.  
"We have important information to tell you," Kamidake said.  
"Then let us come to my home," Ben said. "It'll be safer there."  
So everyone headed back towards Ben's home. It was a small little hovel with more porn magazines then anyone could possibility imagine. They were stored away in boxes that took out more then half of his house.  
"Ben, I have a question," Tenchi asked. "Home come you're able to withstand the power of the Amazonian Raiders?"  
"I'm an old man Tenchi!" Ben said. "I haven't been able to get it up in years! Now let's see what's so damn important about two flying logs."  
It looked like a little girl in a white dress with cinnamon buns covering her ears. She wasn't familiar to Ben or Tenchi but it would seem that she knew Ben. Damn that old man memory!  
"Ben, my name is Princess Sasami," The image said. "I'm sorry I couldn't deliver this message in person but my ships been attacked by the evil and might I say horribly dressed Darth Ayeka. These Guardians are carrying information on a new battle station the Empire's completed and needs to be sent to my father whom you've fought with in the Great Washu Wars. He is waiting for you on Alderaan. Help Me Obi-Wan err Ben you're my only hope."  
"That's funny I don't remember that message ever being recorded," Azaka said. "How odd."  
Hmmm. This is all very strange. Ben knew he wouldn't be able to do this on his own and perhaps young Tenchi there could help him. It was then that he remembered something he needed to give Tenchi.  
Ben walked over to the boxes and started looking through them all. He was pulling out all kinds of sex toys and dirty magazines. Tenchi was about to sneak out when Ben found what he was looking for. It was the same type of strange sword handle that he had.  
"I have something here for you," Ben said.  
"I'm afraid to ask what it is," Tenchi said.  
The extremely old Jurian gave Tenchi the handle. The young boy was no sword expert but he thought something was missing. Perhaps it was the sword part of this weapon, which Tenchi always believed, was the most important part of a sword.  
"I think this sword is broken," Tenchi said.  
"No, all Jurians can concentrate the energy into a laser beam like sword," Ben said. "Try it."  
Tenchi concentrated as much as he could and it produced a blue blade. This freaked the young boy because he never thought that he could be one of the Jurians. He dreampted about it all his life but now all his dreams were coming true!  
"Enjoy your Light Hawk sword because I need for you to come with me to help," Ben said.  
"What?!" Tenchi asked. "I can't. I'm just not that kind of person."  
"But I can't do this alone," Ben said. "Remember, I have the limp noodle and I need your help."  
"I'm not helping you get it up!" Tenchi said as he headed for the door.  
  
On the Death Washu, Darth Ayeka was trying her best to get information from Sasami but everything she tried didn't working. She's tried everything from using Mind Probes, Chest Probes and even Anal Probes. Nothing. She was sure, being an alien and all that the Anal Probe would work.  
Ayeka just sat in her gold throne looking out at the screen on the bridge of the Death Washu. There had to be something she was missing. How do you get someone to tell you information? It wasn't like she could torture Sasami's parents because they were on a planet and what good would it do to go all that way? After all, she was just in a space station of mass destruction. . . . oh yeah huh.  
"Wait!" Ayeka yelled as she jumped out of her seat. "I've got it! We can go to her planet, abduct her parents and give them Anal Probes. Then she'll talk."  
"Why don't you just destroy her planet with this space station?" An officer said.  
Ayeka just looked at the officer with disgust. How dare he correct her when all the other officers were watching.  
"Kill that man," Ayeka said. The Storm Babes took the officer away. "Set a course for Sasami's home world and power up the weapon. Oh I do come up with the best ideas!"  
  
A few hours and a quick blow to the head made Tenchi agree to come along with Ben. Tenchi did have to give Ben some credit for being able to lift up that pipe and swing with enough power to knock him out. Right now they were headed towards a spaceport in the hopes to find a pilot that would take them where they needed to go.  
Tenchi stopped the speeder near a spaceport called Slick Willie's. Strangely enough, the door had a picture of former Earth President Bill Clinton giving thumbs up. They just disregarded that and entered the bar. Once inside they saw some strange creatures and a sign that said a four-arm limit on all drinkers.  
"Hey you," The Bar Tender said. "No. . . . what the hell are those flying things anyway?"  
"Guardians," Tenchi said.  
"Oh," The Bar Tender said. "The Bar Tender's Almanac doesn't say anything about not letting Guardians in. Okay, they can come."  
Everyone entered the Bar and started to look around for a pilot that would take them away. There was a man who was wearing a pin for safest pilot in the galaxy, another that had two gold statues for his great piloting skills and then a very attractive woman.  
"I say we go with her," Ben said.  
They walked over to this girl who seemed more like a Space Pirate then anything else. She was also in the company of what looked like a combination of a rabbit and cat. Tenchi heard about those. Cabbits!  
"Hello there," Ben said. "We wish to hire you."  
The woman looked up at the old man and then over at Tenchi. He gasped at the boy. He was like the dream guy that she had always. . . .dreamed about.  
"Hi. . hi. . there," The woman said. "Name's Ryoko. What's your name?"  
"Tenchi."  
"Oh you're name sounds like Heaven and Earth," Ryoko said. "Normal prices are 10,000 but I'll make it free if Tenchi here lets me have a little fun with him."  
"I say we take the offer," Ben said. "You're a young healthy boy. A little sex would be good for you."  
"Huh?!" Tenchi said in fear. "What are you saying?! How do we even know she's a good pilot?"  
"Hey I'm the best!" Ryoko said. "Finding a pilot better then me is harder then finding Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq!"  
Just then, three Strom Babes entered the bar. Ryoko kind of had a feeling she knew who they were for. She told Ryo-Oki not to eat all those carrots from that bitch Darth Ayeka's guardian.  
"Company," Ryoko said. "Looks like you've got two choices come with me or die."  
"Well when you put it that way," Ben said.  
Ryoko jumped out from behind the table and started to shoot laser beams from her hands right at the Storm Babes. Tenchi's eyes when wide at the sight but he knew that he would be safe with her.  
"Let's go!" Ryoko said as she grabbed her Cabbit and headed towards a wall. She blasted the wall away and threw the Cabbit. "Go Ryo-Oki!"  
The tiny Cabbit quickly turned into a ship and blasted way.  
  
The Death Washu quickly cam into view of Princess Sasami's home world. The princess looked out the window of the Command Room. She knew what this Battle Station was capable of but she had to keep her ground and tell the Empire nothing.  
Darth Ayeka walked over to a red button. That must have been the main switch for firing the weapon. The princess thought that there might be a little bit more involved with firing a Weapon of Mass destruction but that proved that you didn't have to be a genius to make one.  
"Now princess you tell me where the Rebel Base is or I will blow up your planet!" Ayeka said.  
This was a big choice. She loved her parents but should she betray her friends? These were her friends she was talking about her and that planet just had her parents. Sasami was hoping that the big choices weren't going to happen until later in life.  
"I don't know if I should betray my friends," Sasami said. "Could you just blow up half the planet?"  
"Well I could see what. . . .no!" Ayeka said. "Whole thing goes boom!"  
"Oh fine," Sasami said with a sad voice. "They're on Dantooine."  
"I knew it!" Ayeka said. "This is what happens when people don't listen to me. Ah well. Bye bye planet."  
"What?!" Sasami said. "But you said. . ."  
"It's called lying honey," Ayeka said. "I mean hello I am the Dark Lord of The Jurai. What the hell else were you expecting?"  
Ayeka pressed the button. The Death Washu opened it's mouth and fired it's deadly weapon at the planet. Boomski! It was gone. 


End file.
